Pappa...I Miss You!

Pappa...I love you!

I took a train to office, collected a P2 Card and left for 3 different locations for shoot. Between lighting and waiting, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Pappa. My mind was playing re runs of "this day - three years back"...I couldn't help myself from being sad, so I started typing on my phone.

Today is the saddest day of my life. Three years back I lost a parent and learnt the meaning of a new emotion. An emotion I mistakenly associated only with my trivial break-ups (with my then boyfriend and now husband),  and fights with siblings. Something that fooled me for 29 years to teach me its true meaning ruthlessly - Grief.

Three years...of not seeing Pappa and not hearing his voice.

How unimaginable this seemed on 10th of September three years back, when the news was first broken to me. Over these days and months and years, I have come to realize that, self healing is a wonderful thing. I can't say I've completely reconciled to Pappa's absence but for now its in the little things in my life where I find Pappa.

Chiggu bhai, tired from work, but nonetheless,  excitedly serving mithai to mummy, feeding us all from the same katori- just like pappa used to. Chiggu Bhai's face, but Pappa's voice in my head...

"Sonaji hum aap ke liye apples aur kaaju barfi laye hain."

In June's rare pensive expression fading into a shy smile. That tiny bit of nostril flaring before his lips break into the shyest smile possible. Just like Pappa's.

In the lyrics of a song that I listen to everyday on the train to Lower Parel... "Kal kya pata, kin ke liye aakhein taras jaaengi..."

Every IPL season, because I have wonderful memories of enjoying the first season with him. During the second season, Pappa had complained "iss baar aap hamaare saat matches nahin dekhti hain..."

Every time I fall ill and go for a medical test... Because on hearing about my bad health, Pappa's reply was always the same. "aap ghar aajaeye, hum aapke saare test karwa denge." Said with deep concern in his voice "

When some big political developments take place in the country, because on my trips home, Pappa and I would talk about politics a lot.. We would watch news after news and some random Chinese kung fu films dubbed in Hindi between ad breaks.

The opening sting music of BBC news, because he heard it so loud and Mummy hated it..

When ever I say I'm tired, I remember one of my last conversations with him, when he told me the house renovation tires him a lot.The fatigue that eventually took him away from us. 

 But Inshallah Pappa is at rest now. He's closer to Allah and always in my prayer. We'll meet someday again, till then he  lives in my memory always in a white kurta pajama...smiling radiantly.

You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here


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